1. |
Sincerity
03:28
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my friend died
three years ago today
i woke up and went to work
and then came home and i did nothing
fourth of july
managed to drink enough to speak
i tried to impress somebody
but i don’t think it is working
no i don’t think this is working
spilling my guts
on my therapist’s couch
for fifty bucks and hour
i can leave here feeling empowered
sip down a milkshake on the walk home
lie down let me get my phone out
three notifications
i’m feeling impatient
i am waiting for someone to call me
i am waiting for a message that says
please come over
i’ll meet you at the bar i’ll meet you at the show
just don’t leave me here alone
all my friends have
the most beautiful intentions
amber’s telling me to listen to
elliott smith pre-figure 8
and i think i almost get it
yeah it’s pretty fucking great
but no one wants to feel lonely
on a tuesday
it’s your day off and the
grey finally cleared away
you can see across the whole bay
and you’re sitting on the cliff
because it has the clearest view
and the notion falls upon you like a flash flood
you’re here because this is what you wanted
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2. |
Complicit
03:07
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changing my bedding
cuz you don’t sleep here anymore
cleared out the beer cans
we had drained and left on the floor
walk around the neighborhood
where we chased fireworks
i’ve known heartache and hunger pains
but somehow this feels worse
and i knew it wouldn’t be easy
it never has and it never will be
but am i really so complicit
repetitive defeat
no longer listen to the songs you sent me
while i am at work
why does taking space for myself
make me feel like such a jerk
stopped watching the TV show
that you recommended me
even though i like it, it hurts
so i guess i’ll just go to sleep
cuz i don’t wanna think about you
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3. |
Goner
04:22
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i know that you don’t like me and that’s okay
i know you don’t think about me yeah i feel the same
that night you called me a goner and i’m still here
but i don’t think i’ll stick around another year
i took a walk downtown in the summer heat
i bought myself iced coffee and i stopped to read
i felt so independent out on my own
then i looked up and saw you laughing on the phone
feel like i’m running in circles but i’m standing still
don’t think i’ll make it but keep telling myself that i will
the constant silence of my room will be my end
go to shows alone and know that i’ll be with my friends
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4. |
Would You Rather
01:55
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when you’re so afraid of being alone
you’d rather go out and force yourself
to talk to people you don’t like
and when you feel so sure the world
would be better off without you do you want to
be someone else
or would you rather just not wake up
or can you tell
well lately every day feels like a hundred years
i wanna give up hope i wanna disappear
i wonder if anyone would miss me
if i hopped on a bus away from here
and would you rather spend your birthday
flying on a plane
or stuck in traffic on the 405
or brooklyn-bound again
when you’re so afraid of being alone
you’d rather go out and force yourself
to talk to people you don’t like
and when you feel so sure the world
would be better off without you do you want to
be someone else
or would you rather just not wake up
or can you tell
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5. |
Figure
04:15
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i am looking for a place i’ve been before
but nothing looks the same
i turn down all the right streets
but my eyes keep playing tricks on me
has your figure lost its form
has your figure lost its form
i cannot find you anymore
i cannot find you anymore
on the j train back to the city
the world was supposed to end
you said the end is just a symbol
for something we cannot understand
but nothing could prepare me
sitting restlessly alone
when the news
came through my phone
has your figure lost its form
has your figure lost its form
i cannot find you anymore
i cannot find you anymore
that night in berkeley
we sat in a circle and talked about how
we could not believe
and for three years after
i’d wake up smiling but shaken
from talking to you in my dreams
but now so much time has passed
does your spirit stay the same
does the background draw nearer
or does your vision slowly fade
has your figure lost its form
has your figure lost its form
i cannot find you anymore
i cannot find you anymore
so when i get back to my apartment
i pick three books off the shelf
and i read my favorite passages
out loud in the mirror to myself
and i imagine you can hear me
wherever you have found your place
and then i put the books back on the shelf
and just dance the night away
has your figure lost its form
has your figure lost its form
i cannot find you anymore
i cannot find you anymore
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6. |
Mood Lighting
03:30
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it’s almost three in the morning
and i feel like i’m just starting to get to know you
though i have known you for a long time
we’ve been sitting in this booth for hours
the lights around the town have long gone dark
and the bartender is yelling last call
you don’t wanna go back to your place
i don’t wanna go back to mine
you’ve got some things you’ve left unsaid
i’ve got problems i’m trying to hide
can we walk outside
through light pollution, empty streets
i count the times our faces meet
i put my arm around you
and our footsteps fall in sync
i wish i’d never left new york
i wish i’d never left new york
i want to see your face every day
i know i’m going home so far away
but i miss you when i’m with her
and i miss you when i’m alone
and i miss you when i’m on the phone with my dad
now we’re turning the corner to your apartment
my heart is racing don’t know how to stop it
but i know better than to push it
i’m not just a friend
i am your friend
tell me something beautiful
i need to remember what it’s like
to feel vulnerable in someone’s arms
instead of just feeling tired
i’m not trying to seduce you
i’d just like to spend the night awake together
i think we can make each other better
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7. |
I Think I Like It
03:47
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can i text you from the bathroom at work
that customer was such a jerk
just want an excuse to talk to you
will you meet me after class
it makes me nervous just to ask
cuz i’m not sure if i’m worth your time
then i come home
sit down at my desk and moan
i am sinking into space
can you see it on my face
you can’t come out cuz of the rain
i ran out of weed but that’s okay
think it’s time to try something new
my doctor prescribed me some pills
so i’ll no longer want to kill myself
if nothing else i guess that’s cool
then i come home
sit down at my desk and moan
i am sinking into space
can you see it on my face
last december i thought i was gonna die
and now just holding your hand
i’ve never felt more alive and
is this what being alive feels like
is this what being alive feels like
is this what being alive feels like
i think i like it
can i text you from the bathroom at work
that customer was such a jerk
just want an excuse to talk to you
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8. |
Bigger Mistakes
02:24
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i’ll stop saying i’m fine
when i start feeling okay
maybe i could feel great
if i could just say the things
i’ve been wanting to say
it’s fucked up
how i never miss you when you’re gone
and when you’re here sometimes
i feel nothing at all
let’s not get ahead of ourselves
you’re moving away
well maybe it’s just as well
yeah i think it’s time we call it in
i’m sorry my sense of commitment
isn’t as strong
as your parents’
i’ll stop saying i’m fine
when i start feeling okay
maybe i could feel great
if i could just say the things
i’ve been wanting to say
like
how long should i have to wait
we’ve both held back premonitions and expressions of hate
and yeah we both knew it would end this way
but i know i’ve made bigger mistakes
yeah i know i’ve made bigger mistakes
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9. |
Staying In
03:11
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staying in on a friday night
i don’t need your entertainment
i can hear the people now
and i’m fine hiding in the basement
fireworks over the boardwalk
and a parade through the city
i’ve got everything i need here
and there’s no one waiting for me
and you wonder if i feel okay
have i always been this way
and i wonder if you feel the same
as we watch each other’s faces change
standing in the shower
let the hot water run down my body
i don’t think the soap’s enough
to wash away the sins i’ve left behind me
rearrange the items on my dresser
easy distraction
turn on the TV to drown it out
but i’m not getting any traction
and you wonder if i feel okay
have i always been this way
and i wonder if you feel the same
as we watch each other’s faces change
spend the rest of an afternoon
trying to forget what you told me
everything is permanent
you can’t go back and change the story
if i called to tell you i was sorry
would it make it better
or should i wait another year
and we can talk about the weather
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10. |
Stoop Life Part 2
07:18
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we stayed up till 4am
singing along to songs we didn’t understand
when we were young, had never been in love
well i guess this is growing up
and when i held your hand that day
i thought that things would be okay
but now you’re sitting next to me
my head hiding between my knees
train rides and long drives, coast to coast
sleeping in bedrooms filled with ghosts
where every “i love you” reverberates
their faces fill blank space
so every new love that i find
and every one i leave behind
all fill a chamber in my heart
do you remember how it starts
and sometimes i think about that night
in new york, glowing under street lights
then i remember what happened next
i swear we tried our best
didn’t we try our best
i spent a summer surviving off the kindness of others
and it humbled me
i moved across the country to escape the feeling
you’d never let me be
we’ve grown to inhabit such messy lies
right before my eyes i saw my life
disappear and re-materialize
but it takes work
constructive positive habits and not just
borrowing against your own self-worth
so hold my hand again
we can’t escape the past but we can
put it in its place my friend
and we’ll rest assured
i know we hurt each other but we were
just doing our best or at least doing what we could
will we feel this way forever
will I regret my tattoos
will I move back to new york
will you go back and finish school
will this house become a symbol
of a time when life felt new
when we leave will it be a part of us
like i’m a part of you
i remember how it felt
saying “i love you” the first time
i remember seeing you again
years later down the line
i know you’re a different person now
you know that i’ve changed too
but you’ll always be a part of me
like ink stains turning blue
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Practicing Sincerity Santa Cruz, California
queer post-punk shoegaze-y indie rock songs about mental health and self-
accountability
liv (they/them), fernly (she/her), steven (he/they), oan (they/them)
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